Path

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I deserve…

How can people endure this? The constant belittling, the constant bullying. I don’t want to listen to him anymore. I don’t want to hear it. This is so wrong.

I’m done crying, done getting hurt by him. I’ve been done for the past few years.

This isn’t how normal people live, is it?

And hell, even if it was I won’t accept it. I deserve better, everyone does. I deserve respect. I deserve to live in a home without fear of getting hurt physically or emotionally. I deserve to feel comfortable expressing myself. I deserve more than this.

He’s hurting me and nobody deserves to be hurt.

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Dick’s Last Resort

It’s amazing the type of places I discover while looking at people’s facebook pictures! Why didn’t anyone clue me in on this place?

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Comfort

by Oswlek

Wide awake in bed lying
Tears still drying
Tattered thoughts haunt you
Fears have caught you

Don’t let the walls close around you
You know I’ll see you through

When you are forced to crawl
When it’s your time to fall
When there’s no use at all
I will comfort you

Bittersweet, life’s journey
Tides keep turning
Out of breath, lungs burning
Ceaseless yearning

Don’t let your dreams fade on you
You know I’ll be there soon

When you wonder why
And you start to cry
Till those tears are dry
I will comfort you
I will comfort you

Filed under: Uncategorized , comfort

Coming Out

A few days ago I decided it was time to go for it and tell two of my closest friends that I was starting a GSA and come out in the process. You guys all saw me posting about wanting to tell Sam awhile ago but I never did. Well, now I did! It was a big relief and i’m happy with the outcome but for some reason it still hurts. I knew she wouldn’t “accept” it but still, reading those words…feels like crap. Like I said though, I knew that ahead of time so i’ll live and overall she’s supportive.

Letter to Sam:

Her response

And then I told Claire, my best friend from Germany who lives in Indiana now. We’ve been friends since 5th grade and I feel as if it’s a friendship that will never be broken. I didn’t think she would be upset, in fact I assumed she would be supportive which is exactly what she was!…:

God, I love her!

And update…I love her even more!

Filed under: Uncategorized , coming out, gay, GSA, high school

Wtf

I feel like a giant Pussy. And not the type of pussy I like.

I wanted to tell Sam so badly and I was ready to….until she started talking about how her mom has bought her books on mormons and blah blah blah because she’s going to school in Utah and is a Christian. And how she already found a Christian group to get involved with. So I didn’t say anything while we were eating lunch.

And then when we went up to my room we started talking about rowing and somehow we got on the topic of our coach that we think is a lesbian. And I was like great, now would be an easy time to slip it in but I couldn’t. She even said that she doesn’t care about our coach but somehow I still feel as if it would change our relationship and I don’t want that.

So now the question is whether or not to send her an e-mail? What do I have to lose?

I feel as if I should feel proud and strong for the decisions i’m making but they’re making me feel like shit. Like i’m immature and a baby because they do upset me and I have even cried over them. How can doing something right feel so damn wrong?

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My World

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Changes

And two other things;

I don’t need people to reassure me that this is the right thing. I know that, otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it. I’m more in need of guidance which will be hard until I get things together a little bit more.

And secondly, sorry about not returning comments! I’m lazy and then I was in China which clearly had this blocked. I’ll try to reply to some but in reality it’s been so long I might not. I’ll try to be better from here on out!

Filed under: Uncategorized , cincinnti, gay straight alliance, GSA, quit

Explain

How do you explain to your mother why you refuse to hug your father? This feeling of dread washes over me each time and physical contact evokes strong emotion. Even if it’s not my dad I prefer to keep my distance. I do not feel comfortable being physically close or touched by people in general. It scares me that someday this might interfere in any relationship I would want to pursue, however, that’s something I try not to think of right now.

It’s not that I don’t want to be close to someone, it’s that i’m scared. It’s not logical, it’s nothing I could explain. It’s a feeling. In social situations I try to get over it when friends would make a big deal about it. I certainly don’t want anyone to pick up on it. Sure, people know that I don’t like to hug them but nobody realizes that i’m uncomfortable. With my dad it goes to a whole new extreme though. He desires hugs to reaffirm our relationship but I dread it. I do everything I can to avoid it and openly tell him no.

Why not just do it? It’s not that simple. It’s something I feel could help our relationship but I can’t. I can’t be physically close to someone who has physically hurt me. When my mother asked me today in the car why I fought’t giving my dad a hug before he left on a business trip I decided to tell her. She does not understand it. Can anyone fully understand it unless they’ve been in my shoes? “But he only did it once” – So far. “I do not think he would do it again” – Yeah, I never thought he would do it in the first place. Etc, etc, etc. It was something I never saw coming. I wish I could move on and forget but I don’t think I can, at least not with out someone to help me.

When I gave my dad the hug I felt vulnerable. I felt scare and I felt all alone again. He didn’t do anything, he just wanted to hug his daughter yet I cause him pain by often times denying him those moments. At the same time the moments that cause him to feel good send me on an emotional rollercoaster. I ended up in my room crying for no other reason than that I hugged my dad. How fucked up is that? I felt like a little girl again. I was brought back to a place I never want to experience again but how do I move on? I try. I’ve tried so fucking hard but no matter what I do it creeps back. In so many ways I see that my father is trying, he wants our relationship back and he doesn’t understand what happened. He really is a good guy, he just messes up at times. And those times are things that I can’t forget.

I am in no way saying that I will put up with it, and the same time I feel as if we’ll both continue to fuck up in our relationship and i’d like to give it a chance. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to heal my pain so that I can at least try to diminish the pain I cause him.

He does not intentionally hurt me, I know that, but it still has the same effect. Pain is pain.  He does love me and I love him but both us continuously forget that. Where do we go from here?

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Beg

I begged her not to tell.

I pleaded with her and tried to show her how much I did not need her help. I did not need her to go tell him that I was crying. She did though. She’ll never learn. She married him, you’d think she would have learned. You can’t win. There is no winning in this house. You either lose painfully or lose more painfully. I got away with it until she intervened. She doesn’t want this. She doesn’t deserve this fighting but I don’t deserve this…whatever the fuck it is.

I forgot her name. That’s all I did. I couldn’t tell him who was here because I couldn’t remember her name and I couldn’t tell him that because she was in the bathroom and would hear me. I know it was dumb. I *know* her name, I just slipped up and the angrier he got the more I fumbled until he stormed off and telling me he wasn’t going to talk to me if I was to “act like that”.

I didn’t even tear up in his presence. I got away with it until my mom jumped in after seeing a tear escape when I told her I wouldn’t be joining them tonight.

She had to tell him. What the fuck does she think she’s doing? She can’t help us. She can’t help me. She doesn’t understand.

She couldn’t even stop when I was able to hide behind my door and tell him that I wasn’t crying. She kept on pushing. Push. Push. Push until it’s too late. Now i’ve been yelled at in that “i’m disgusted with you” voice and we have to talk tomorrow. Talk? Does she know what the fuck a talk means? It means me sitting there listening and trying to find a way out. It’s not a conversation. I don’t know what he wants to hear. I don’t know how pressing he will be. There is no real escape to the conversations.

It’s big this time too. I can tell. He’s not just mad, he despises me.

I want to go somewhere. I want to go away. I’m trapped though, there is no way out now. Every source of escape comes to an end eventually. You can only hit yourself for so long. You can only cry for so long. You can only hurt yourself for so long before you become limp. Give up. And maybe that’s what I need before we talk. He likes that.

On the bright side he’s out for the night and tomorrow he leaves early to do volunteer work which will leave me time to get up, eat, and go to the bathroom without having to confront him. Since he left for the evening I was able to get food and water so at least i’ll have stuff in my room for if the fight is really bad and I don’t want to leave my room. Silver lining, perhaps?

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